Colonoscopy Prep Day; or, May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

The sun is coming up on the second day of summer, the sky changing from a deep, velvety blue to pale pink. Fluffy like cotton candy. Birds harmonize in the lightly swaying branches of a tree. The air is already warm, moving over my skin like bath water.

Delicate beauty. Tiny brushstrokes on a postcard called June.

GURGGGGGGGGGHURP.”

What the actual fuck, Stomach? What kind of noise was that? I’m trying to paint a scene, here. Be a Vessel Of The Word and all that shit. You can’t just–

FURRRRRRGLEBURP.

Don’t interrupt me. Who do you think you are?

“HIGGGGTURNIP.”

Yes. I know that it’s been over 24 hours since you’ve felt the touch of a muffin. But–

“PERP!”

Well, Colonoscopy Prep Day wasn’t exactly my idea, was it? Talk to the Colon. He’s the reason you haven’t eaten anything.

“FEEFURLPURP.”

You’d be a little cantankerous, too, if you were about to be probed by a man in a white lab coat making awkward small-talk, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you?

Guuurg.

That’s what I thought.

Now, I know that the past 24 hours have been pretty rough on you. You had to watch all of those other stomachs enjoying waffles and vegan cookies and peanut butter–

Puuuurl.”

Shhh–shhh. I know. The peanut butter’s been a tough one. At least we don’t have to drink any more of that Bi-Peglyte shit, am I right?

POURRT.

I agree — saying that a medicine is ‘fruit flavoured’ implies that said medicine doesn’t taste like a sweaty back crease. Not that I would love to get a bottle of medicine with a “Now in Sweaty Back Crease Flavor” label on it. But, at least it would be honest, you know?

HURGET.

Honestly, I’m legitimately concerned that the people who made that medicine have never touched a fruit.

URUUUGH.

Okay, whoa. Whoa. You need to simmer down. They are still people, Stomach. And I am 96.4% sure that they’ve never tasted a strawberry. Isn’t that punishment enough?

POOT.”

Wow. Well, I’m glad we’re choosing the mature route through this. You can just sit there and think about what you just said. I’m going to go back to being a Writer.

A kayak cuts through the water. Clean and fast. White water licking the paddle’s edge. Sunlight–

HURRRRRGLEBURP.”

Goddamnit.

* I wrote this post at 4:45 AM on the day of my colonoscopy, people. Apologies for my delirium.

X

RG

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Colonoscopy Prep Day; or, May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

  1. I feel for you. I found out the hard way that nothing clears visitors out of a hospital room faster than a cheerful nurse bringing you a gallon of “Go-lightly.” I respect and appreciate nurses, but there should be a special ring of hell for those who are cheerful when they do that.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s