Okay, listen up: this is Real Girl’s Crohn’s Disease speaking.
RG is currently lying on the couch in her sweatpants and feeling sorry for herself. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to clear the air. Because, we’ve gotten off to a rough start, you and I.
Like, yeah, I’m an incurable illness. But, does RG ever talk about my good qualities?
All she does is shit-talk me. Every goddamn Monday.
So, while RG marathons Nashville on Netflix and tries (and fails) to stop eating brownies, let me tell you a little bit about me.
- Give me one glass of wine, and I’ll give you the wildest night of your life.
- My favourite place in the entire world is the right side of RG’s large intestine. Sometimes, I just camp in there for days at a time. (Honestly, the girl’s got the most munch-worthy bowel around).
- What RG calls ‘Satan’s dog farts,’ I call a pleasant hello (I’m just trying to be a friendly neighbour, here, people).
- I like to think that I offer RG a lot of beneficial life lessons. Like, how strong she is and how you never really know what other people are dealing with by just looking at them.
- Sometimes, I just sit around and think about the Age of the Onion Rings. What a time to be alive. (I’m honestly so tired of RG eating kale and hemp hearts. Like, what is that shit?)
Honestly, I’m just trying to make it through the day like every other auto-immune disease out there. Sure, I’m incurable, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings!
And I’m not going away, RG, so you’d better learn to love me.